Ever since I can remember, I have been a Republican. My dad was die hard, my mom was Independent, and the rest of my family just didnt care either way. The reasonings behind me being a republican were the main things, such as; working hard, paying taxes, fighting for Jesus' word, ect. I still live by those principles. Now days, you have conservative, moderate, liberal. I have been very consevative for as long as I can remember. I loved the Lord and was against anyone that tried to justify an action against Him. When you read that, it sounds very commendable. I have recently thought of the deeper meaning of it all.
Many, well, most republicans, are devout christians that believe in the word of God. Anything that they believed to be against God they would protest against. That is how I always was. I have recently looked deep within myself, my views and my faith. I came to the conclusion that I was a hypocrit! Yep, thats right, a hypocrit! Most of everyone I know are hypocrits! So many people supposedly live by the bible, but they actually only live by parts of it. It is very clear in the bible that no one has the authority to judge, accept the Lord all mighty! Many christians spend their lives dictating and judging everyone else. They never look at themselves or their own actions. That is how I was. I was wrong.
As an example, lets say two christians were sitting at a movie and saw to same sex individuals being intimate. Most "christians" would begin to whisper and judge those people. They would state how they are "going to hell" and that they are living a bad life. Who gave them the power to say who is and is not going to hell? NO ONE. That is not mine nor anyone elses power. Only God can judge. He is the ONLY one that has the right. All of us living in this world is told to love each other, as everyone is your brother or sister. Love is without judgement. Love is selfless and love is kind. Everyone needs to remember that and stop making excuses to "hate" or judge.
Am I still a republican???? Yes, without a doubt. Am I also liberal enough to not judge a person's choice?? Yep. I am. Look deep in yourself and maybe you will agree with me. Until next time...GOD BLESS!!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Live Like It Is Your Last Day!!!
You know, sometimes we fall down and feel like we can't get back up. It is like we are all hiding behind skin that's really too tough. Think about it...how come we don't say I love you enough???? Has your life flashed before you? Have you ever wondered what you wish you WOULD'VE done???? Seriously, you really just have to look at the hand that God has given you!! It is really all you've got, so guys....start THINKING! If every second counts, which we all know that it does in God's eyes, live like its your LAST day alive! We only have 86.400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it away! You need to look at what you have been given in life....seriously, do you want to throw it all away? You, in a way, need to live like you are dying. Tell the people that you love them while you have the chance!!! If something deathly happens one day, who would you say your last goodbye to? You really need to be careful who you let out of your life, b/c if you were dying who would you want to be by your side??? Think about it!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
~The Friendship Evolution~
When you think of friendships of past and present, do you ever think about my blog title? When you are younger and in high school you have your set group of friends, and you have your BFF. You make plans with your best friend and talk about going through life together and having kids at the same time..ect. In your heart, you really believe your friendship will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, it is a proven fact that a mere 20% of those friendships last. You may personally move in a different direction in your life, or your friend does. If you are the one that gets left behind in the friendship evolution, it can be a hard let down. How am I such a professional in this arena??? Well, all I have to say is... been there, done that!
Yes, (*tear*, *tear*), I have, more times than once, been the one left behind. I will start with example 1. I had my high school best friend. We were so close and were 2 peas in a pod. We never fault and always had each other's back. That was true until college, sophomore year. She got a new, hot, older boyfriend. The boyfriend became the priority, situations pursued, and...well, that best friendship didnt last. Example 2: I met my soul sister(or, well, I thought) freshmen year in college. We met and we pretty much instantly clicked. Within no time we were inseperable! Something tragic happened to me, and I was almost killed in a car wreck. Things were so hard for me, but she was always there...at first. Guess what? She got a new boyfriend and began to change. This is a very long story that I cant even begin to get into. All I can say is that the situation with her scarred me for life. I am tearing up now just thinking about it. Wow, I didnt realize how hard it would be to talk about this! You guys have no idea how big of a step this is for me! These are emotions that have been building up for years!
Well, on to example 3: This best friend was not expected! haha..Lets just say that most of high school I was the butt of her many jabs! lol..The end of senior year we finally had a class together and she actually got to know me, and vice versa. You know what? We actually liked each other and became friends! Sophomore year in college she became my go to girl! We were the closest of friends and went through a lot together. She was like my sister. In all honesty, she still is. She has been a constant in my life since college. Even during the other "best friend" ordeal, she was still there. She kind of graduated to "sister" in my eyes. Hmmm...I dont know if she even realizes that! Then, the friendship evolution started. haha..Yep...she got married. Now, I may see her a few times a year. She has new priorities and Im not a part of it. It really kills me, but I cant be angry about it. She fell in love and got married. When you get married your life changes. She started back college and got new friends. Those friends fit into her life better than I do, I guess. It is very sad for me, but its true.
I think that a lot of people can relate to this. Especially, if you are in the evolutionary short end of the spectrum! Lucky for me I have rebounded with a couple great friends. One I talk to probably 50 times a day about EVERYTHING! The other I dont see often due to both of our busy schedules, but I will ALWAYS have her back and I know without a doubt she will always be there. She is someone I went to school with starting in kindergarden! You know what??? We werent even friends in high school! Crazy, huh?! lol...Ah, if it wasnt for the great technologies of our time! haha
So, that is my "friendship evolution." Its life and it happens. If you are the one to evolve, you are happy and live a fulfilling life. If you are the one left behind, you are struggling for acceptance. You just have to learn to deal. Until next time, God Bless!!! : o)
Yes, (*tear*, *tear*), I have, more times than once, been the one left behind. I will start with example 1. I had my high school best friend. We were so close and were 2 peas in a pod. We never fault and always had each other's back. That was true until college, sophomore year. She got a new, hot, older boyfriend. The boyfriend became the priority, situations pursued, and...well, that best friendship didnt last. Example 2: I met my soul sister(or, well, I thought) freshmen year in college. We met and we pretty much instantly clicked. Within no time we were inseperable! Something tragic happened to me, and I was almost killed in a car wreck. Things were so hard for me, but she was always there...at first. Guess what? She got a new boyfriend and began to change. This is a very long story that I cant even begin to get into. All I can say is that the situation with her scarred me for life. I am tearing up now just thinking about it. Wow, I didnt realize how hard it would be to talk about this! You guys have no idea how big of a step this is for me! These are emotions that have been building up for years!
Well, on to example 3: This best friend was not expected! haha..Lets just say that most of high school I was the butt of her many jabs! lol..The end of senior year we finally had a class together and she actually got to know me, and vice versa. You know what? We actually liked each other and became friends! Sophomore year in college she became my go to girl! We were the closest of friends and went through a lot together. She was like my sister. In all honesty, she still is. She has been a constant in my life since college. Even during the other "best friend" ordeal, she was still there. She kind of graduated to "sister" in my eyes. Hmmm...I dont know if she even realizes that! Then, the friendship evolution started. haha..Yep...she got married. Now, I may see her a few times a year. She has new priorities and Im not a part of it. It really kills me, but I cant be angry about it. She fell in love and got married. When you get married your life changes. She started back college and got new friends. Those friends fit into her life better than I do, I guess. It is very sad for me, but its true.
I think that a lot of people can relate to this. Especially, if you are in the evolutionary short end of the spectrum! Lucky for me I have rebounded with a couple great friends. One I talk to probably 50 times a day about EVERYTHING! The other I dont see often due to both of our busy schedules, but I will ALWAYS have her back and I know without a doubt she will always be there. She is someone I went to school with starting in kindergarden! You know what??? We werent even friends in high school! Crazy, huh?! lol...Ah, if it wasnt for the great technologies of our time! haha
So, that is my "friendship evolution." Its life and it happens. If you are the one to evolve, you are happy and live a fulfilling life. If you are the one left behind, you are struggling for acceptance. You just have to learn to deal. Until next time, God Bless!!! : o)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My Road To Pasadena.
I recently embarked on a cross county trip to Pasadena (LA), California to cheer on my team during the BCS National Championship game. Of course, I didnt actually drive. It would have taken days and considering I went with my brother, one of us wouldnt have made it there alive! It is no surprise to the people that know me and my brother, Tykie, that we are nothing alike. We have one thing in common, our love for Alabama football, thats it. That being said, I'm not going to get into the many, many bad things about my trip. I will just give my opinion on the places we went and the things we saw. We ended up meeting 2 of my cousins, so that made things more bareable.
First things first. We decided to fly into Vegas and rent a car to drive to Pasadena. Of course, that was not my idea b/c if you know me I get very car sick. It is about a 4 hour drive to LA, so not fun at all. We arrived in Vegas monday night around 9. We got our rental car and headed to our hotel, the Plaza Hotel and Casino. The hotel is in downtown Vegas, which is the "old" part of town. When we walked in it reaked of cigarette smoke terribly! Not great for my allergies to say the least. The Plaza was the place to stay 50 years ago, and let me tell you, it has not been renovated since! So, needless to say, dont stay there if you plan on visiting Vegas! I got absolutely no sleep Monday night, due in part from the rock hard bed and pillow and the snoring of my brother. We also stayed up very late playing blackjack. I had never played before and it was sooo much fun! I blackjacked like 25 times in total! Lets just say that I played on $40 for hours! I didnt win anything, but it was fun. The next morning we went to the Hoover Dam. It was a neat thing to see. Scenery type things arent that exciting to me, but it was nice to see. Later on in the afternoon, I made everyone go to Cesaers Palace on the strip. That is a place you MUST go if you are a woman! The palace is a hotel, casino, mall, many restaurants, Planet Hollywood, spa, ect..all rolled in one! I wanted to actually go shop and look around but all everyone else wanted to do was ganble. So, I didnt get to enjoy all the things the palace had to offer. It was very beautiful though. It is so huge that you need a full day to devote to it. I ended up going to take a nap while everyone else gambled away. That night we went to the comedy club in Harrah's and it was so much fun. One of the comedians was a total hottie too. :o) That was our last night in Vegas. All in all it was fun, but nothing like they make it seem on tv. I didnt drink, so that could be a reason. My idea of a good time isnt getting drunk on the strip in Vegas and acting a fool. I do want to go back soon with friends. It would be a lot more fun experiencing things with my girlfriends!
Now, the next morning rolls around and we were supposed to leave at 6am since we had a 4 hour drive. There were so many things I wanted to do and see in LA! I have wanted to go there pretty much my entire life! Well, surprise, I couldnt get anyone out of bed. It took me TWO hours to get my brother out of bed and I called my cousins nonstop with no answer. We ended up getting out of vegas and on the road around 10. We had tickets to go to the People's Choice Awards, so I knew due to LA traffic and everything we would need to start getting ready around 3. They closed the doors at 5:30 at the Nokia Theatre, where the show was being held. If you were late you just didnt get in! We got into Hollywood (where our hotel was) with no time to spare. We only walked the boulevard and looked around for a bit. We had no time to go anywhere since I couldnt get anyone out of bed earlier. We had to rush to get to the People's Choice Awards on time. My dad told me that LA rush hour or actually hours, starts at 3. I had to finish getting ready in the cab. My hair was pulled back and I didnt get the look I was going for! I mean, what if I saw a hot celebrity and they fell in love with me at first sight! I needed to look good for the cameras!! haha ;o ) We finally got seated and we had very good seats! The first celebrity we saw in the theatre was Chevy Chase. We quoted things from Vegas Vacation nonstop the day before, so it was exciting to see him! lol ... I was so very surprised how different celebrities look in person! They say that the camera adds 10 pounds. Ten?! More like 15 for some! I was very disappointed in how Jessica Alba looked. I always thought she was gorgeous and had the best body! She was very tiny! Not in a good way to me. She was way to small and her skin was a bit brokeout. It is odd that I watched the show on tv afterwards and you couldnt even tell! Jessica alba is just normal. Not perfect like many of us have always thought! Then, you have Taylor Swift. Someone needs to feed her a hamburger ASAP! She looks small on tv, so imagine her about 10-15 pounds smaller! Then, there was the beautiful Sandra Bullock! She was smaller that she appears on tv, but she was a healthy small. She was absolutely ravishing! She is in her 40s and looks AMAZING! Another one that stood out was Ellen. I love Ellen and like to watch her show whenever I can. She was very small and looked kind of sickly. Maybe she was just sick or something. Another person that caught my attention was Mariah Carey. Of course, Mariah will ALWAYS be beautiful, but she has gained a LOT of weight since marrying Nick Canan! Her dress was so tight, so I am gussing it was to hold her in. Her huge boobs were popping out the side. When she made her way to the stage to accept her award she could barely walk and almost fell! I thought it was b/c of the dress. Well, I thought that before I heard her speak! haha... Mimi was a bit intoxicated, but it was funny. All in all, I noticed that celebrities are just normal people with the same issues we all have. They have the cellulite like 99% of all females have! That was apparent since a lot of them wore short dresses. They still looked beautiful. So, it was helpful for the self-esteem to see that no one is perfect.
The next day we got up early and made our way to hollywood boulevard. We decided to take a trolly tour. (not good for your hair.. haha)... The tour took us to see the Hollywood sign, Paramount, Hollywood Bowl..thats about it. I was VERY disappointed. Afterwards, we didnt have much time for anything. I wanted to see Rodeo Drive, Melrose, Calabasas, Dash, ect..I didnt get to go to one of those places! I was so bummed! :o( ...We made our way to Pasadena and the parking was easy, but a long walk! I wasnt impressed with the Rose Bowl at all. Its ok, though, b/c WE WON!!! :o) I have mucho respect for Texas. They were very friendly and classy. We were on the Texas side and our camera's battery died. One of the texas fans asked what kind of memory card we had and said we could use his camera. That was very nice of him. If only fans were that nice in south Alabama!
Well, I didnt think this would be sooo long! I guess I added another book to my collection! lol .. Until next time...God Bless!
First things first. We decided to fly into Vegas and rent a car to drive to Pasadena. Of course, that was not my idea b/c if you know me I get very car sick. It is about a 4 hour drive to LA, so not fun at all. We arrived in Vegas monday night around 9. We got our rental car and headed to our hotel, the Plaza Hotel and Casino. The hotel is in downtown Vegas, which is the "old" part of town. When we walked in it reaked of cigarette smoke terribly! Not great for my allergies to say the least. The Plaza was the place to stay 50 years ago, and let me tell you, it has not been renovated since! So, needless to say, dont stay there if you plan on visiting Vegas! I got absolutely no sleep Monday night, due in part from the rock hard bed and pillow and the snoring of my brother. We also stayed up very late playing blackjack. I had never played before and it was sooo much fun! I blackjacked like 25 times in total! Lets just say that I played on $40 for hours! I didnt win anything, but it was fun. The next morning we went to the Hoover Dam. It was a neat thing to see. Scenery type things arent that exciting to me, but it was nice to see. Later on in the afternoon, I made everyone go to Cesaers Palace on the strip. That is a place you MUST go if you are a woman! The palace is a hotel, casino, mall, many restaurants, Planet Hollywood, spa, ect..all rolled in one! I wanted to actually go shop and look around but all everyone else wanted to do was ganble. So, I didnt get to enjoy all the things the palace had to offer. It was very beautiful though. It is so huge that you need a full day to devote to it. I ended up going to take a nap while everyone else gambled away. That night we went to the comedy club in Harrah's and it was so much fun. One of the comedians was a total hottie too. :o) That was our last night in Vegas. All in all it was fun, but nothing like they make it seem on tv. I didnt drink, so that could be a reason. My idea of a good time isnt getting drunk on the strip in Vegas and acting a fool. I do want to go back soon with friends. It would be a lot more fun experiencing things with my girlfriends!
Now, the next morning rolls around and we were supposed to leave at 6am since we had a 4 hour drive. There were so many things I wanted to do and see in LA! I have wanted to go there pretty much my entire life! Well, surprise, I couldnt get anyone out of bed. It took me TWO hours to get my brother out of bed and I called my cousins nonstop with no answer. We ended up getting out of vegas and on the road around 10. We had tickets to go to the People's Choice Awards, so I knew due to LA traffic and everything we would need to start getting ready around 3. They closed the doors at 5:30 at the Nokia Theatre, where the show was being held. If you were late you just didnt get in! We got into Hollywood (where our hotel was) with no time to spare. We only walked the boulevard and looked around for a bit. We had no time to go anywhere since I couldnt get anyone out of bed earlier. We had to rush to get to the People's Choice Awards on time. My dad told me that LA rush hour or actually hours, starts at 3. I had to finish getting ready in the cab. My hair was pulled back and I didnt get the look I was going for! I mean, what if I saw a hot celebrity and they fell in love with me at first sight! I needed to look good for the cameras!! haha ;o ) We finally got seated and we had very good seats! The first celebrity we saw in the theatre was Chevy Chase. We quoted things from Vegas Vacation nonstop the day before, so it was exciting to see him! lol ... I was so very surprised how different celebrities look in person! They say that the camera adds 10 pounds. Ten?! More like 15 for some! I was very disappointed in how Jessica Alba looked. I always thought she was gorgeous and had the best body! She was very tiny! Not in a good way to me. She was way to small and her skin was a bit brokeout. It is odd that I watched the show on tv afterwards and you couldnt even tell! Jessica alba is just normal. Not perfect like many of us have always thought! Then, you have Taylor Swift. Someone needs to feed her a hamburger ASAP! She looks small on tv, so imagine her about 10-15 pounds smaller! Then, there was the beautiful Sandra Bullock! She was smaller that she appears on tv, but she was a healthy small. She was absolutely ravishing! She is in her 40s and looks AMAZING! Another one that stood out was Ellen. I love Ellen and like to watch her show whenever I can. She was very small and looked kind of sickly. Maybe she was just sick or something. Another person that caught my attention was Mariah Carey. Of course, Mariah will ALWAYS be beautiful, but she has gained a LOT of weight since marrying Nick Canan! Her dress was so tight, so I am gussing it was to hold her in. Her huge boobs were popping out the side. When she made her way to the stage to accept her award she could barely walk and almost fell! I thought it was b/c of the dress. Well, I thought that before I heard her speak! haha... Mimi was a bit intoxicated, but it was funny. All in all, I noticed that celebrities are just normal people with the same issues we all have. They have the cellulite like 99% of all females have! That was apparent since a lot of them wore short dresses. They still looked beautiful. So, it was helpful for the self-esteem to see that no one is perfect.
The next day we got up early and made our way to hollywood boulevard. We decided to take a trolly tour. (not good for your hair.. haha)... The tour took us to see the Hollywood sign, Paramount, Hollywood Bowl..thats about it. I was VERY disappointed. Afterwards, we didnt have much time for anything. I wanted to see Rodeo Drive, Melrose, Calabasas, Dash, ect..I didnt get to go to one of those places! I was so bummed! :o( ...We made our way to Pasadena and the parking was easy, but a long walk! I wasnt impressed with the Rose Bowl at all. Its ok, though, b/c WE WON!!! :o) I have mucho respect for Texas. They were very friendly and classy. We were on the Texas side and our camera's battery died. One of the texas fans asked what kind of memory card we had and said we could use his camera. That was very nice of him. If only fans were that nice in south Alabama!
Well, I didnt think this would be sooo long! I guess I added another book to my collection! lol .. Until next time...God Bless!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My First Entry!
I have had this blog it seems forever. I just never got around to actually writing anything. I use to wonder why anyone would want a public diary for everyone to read. I have recently found that writing your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic. Especially, for someone like me that finds it hard to talk to people about things and confront issues head on. I am the type to always hold things in until it eats away at me. There have been so many times that if I would have just confronted something it would have ended up a lot better. I recently found out that I have anxiety disorder and have had it my whole life. I didnt even know it! I have always been sooo afraid to speak my mind or say what I really feel during any type of heated issue. I would just bury it.
Well, now I have learned to not take life so seriously all the time and be able to just be, Me. Who am I? Well, I am a normal person that had a lot of trials throughout life. I made many, MANY mistakes that I wish I could just erase. Of course, you cant erase things. Life is all about trial and error. It molds you into the person you were always meant to be, and always knew you really were. I am just happy that I got everything out of my system at only 24. Sure, there are many people that love to judge and think they know who I am. Well, I can say that 95% of what people think are true about me arent at all. When you are from a small town people love to gossip. People put people down to somehow make themselves look better. Those are the people I add to my prayers every night, and yes, I can honestly say there is not a night that goes by that I dont pray before I go to sleep. It is those prayers that saved me.
Saved me from what? Well, lets just say I was on a path of destruction. Losing my niece to cancer a couple years ago sure didnt help. The fact that not one of my "friends" took the time to even come to the funeral or visitation didnt help. There were a couple people that sent me condolences through a message on facebook. I want to thank those people so much. If you are reading this you know who you are. Not having anyone beside me to help me go through such a terrible thing really threw me for a loop. Sure, I had my family, but they were going through the same thing I was. So, they couldnt really help talk me through things. One thing that really stung was that I had a friend that lost another friend a few years back. I was there for her at the funeral and literally let her cry on my shoulder. I didnt even get an "I'm sorry" message from her. So, all of that was just the tip of the iceburge. I began to think that maybe I just wasnt worth it. I began to just not care about myself, much less have any self-respect. I was to the point that I just didnt care anymore. I was sick of caring what people thought. I was sick of crying over friends that you thought always had your back, but really didnt. It was the people that I put most of my trust in that let me down the hardest. If you truely love your friend, nothing can come between your friendship, b/c you can and WILL always work though differences. Much to my dismay, I was almost without that.
Am I perfect? Was I ever perfect? NO. I was part to blame for many things that have happened over the past few years. To everyone that knows what happened to me in 2005, you may realize how things were harder for me. If you dont know, well, lets just say I had a car wreck that would end up changing my life forever. I was so stubborn afterwards and wanted to go back to school more than anything (I was suppose to transfer to UA only months after my wreck.) I didnt allow time for myself to heal. I didnt realize that I wasnt in the right frame of mind to handle any type of high pressure or anxiety. Things were rough to say the least. I would always say that I was fine, but that was far from the truth. I am very grateful for the people that knew what I was going through and stuck with me throughout it all. You will never know how truely grateful I am.
Looking back now to my college days, I dont recognize that person. That wasnt me. I made choices that I knew were not the right ones. I tried to change who I was to fit into the crowd. Actually, in junior high I had the absolute best friends. I was in the band and really loved it. It was something I was actually really good at! I won many awards and metals and was #1 in the county for a couple years. I also loved cheerleading, and dancing was my passion. I had to make a choice of which activity to persue, b/c they had conflicting schedules. I chose cheerleading. If I could go back in time that would be one of the first things I would change. In high school I was a very quite and shy person. I wasnt the hyper cheerleader that was the life of the party. People would take my quiteness as being stuck up and rude. I knew that wasnt true, and I didnt want people to think of me that way. I started hanging out with different people and started going out more, especially the end of my senior year. I just forgot who I was. That lasted 5 years. You know what? There is no way I am going to let 5 years out of 24 define me as a person. So, if you want to call me to go to a wild drunken party, dont (well, unless your need a DD.) lol...Thats a part of my life I will not go back to. Will I judge you for doing it? Absolutely, not! I dont care if you are gay, straight, crazy, white, black, or even a liberal (lol.) Only God can judge. Sure, I love a good debate and love to argue, but there is a huge difference in stating your personal opinion and hating and judging someone for expressing theirs. Everyone should remember that. HAVING YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, PERSONAL VALUES, and OPINIONS doesn't mean that you are speing HATE. (sorry, had to get that off my chest as well. lol)
How am I now? Well, Im not going to say things are perfect. I am still dealing with life and I still find it hard to forgive myself for many things. All that matters is that I put my life in God's hands and I will never let go. All I need is His forgiveness, and He knows my heart. God is great, kind, and without judgement. He loves me no matter what I had to go through to finally realize it. With God by my side nothing is impossible. I can not stress enough how powerful prayer is. My story is my gift to you to show you that things really do happen for a reason, even the bad. It was going through all my troubles that led me to where I am now, and let me tell you, it truely is brighter on the other side. God Bless. :o)
Well, now I have learned to not take life so seriously all the time and be able to just be, Me. Who am I? Well, I am a normal person that had a lot of trials throughout life. I made many, MANY mistakes that I wish I could just erase. Of course, you cant erase things. Life is all about trial and error. It molds you into the person you were always meant to be, and always knew you really were. I am just happy that I got everything out of my system at only 24. Sure, there are many people that love to judge and think they know who I am. Well, I can say that 95% of what people think are true about me arent at all. When you are from a small town people love to gossip. People put people down to somehow make themselves look better. Those are the people I add to my prayers every night, and yes, I can honestly say there is not a night that goes by that I dont pray before I go to sleep. It is those prayers that saved me.
Saved me from what? Well, lets just say I was on a path of destruction. Losing my niece to cancer a couple years ago sure didnt help. The fact that not one of my "friends" took the time to even come to the funeral or visitation didnt help. There were a couple people that sent me condolences through a message on facebook. I want to thank those people so much. If you are reading this you know who you are. Not having anyone beside me to help me go through such a terrible thing really threw me for a loop. Sure, I had my family, but they were going through the same thing I was. So, they couldnt really help talk me through things. One thing that really stung was that I had a friend that lost another friend a few years back. I was there for her at the funeral and literally let her cry on my shoulder. I didnt even get an "I'm sorry" message from her. So, all of that was just the tip of the iceburge. I began to think that maybe I just wasnt worth it. I began to just not care about myself, much less have any self-respect. I was to the point that I just didnt care anymore. I was sick of caring what people thought. I was sick of crying over friends that you thought always had your back, but really didnt. It was the people that I put most of my trust in that let me down the hardest. If you truely love your friend, nothing can come between your friendship, b/c you can and WILL always work though differences. Much to my dismay, I was almost without that.
Am I perfect? Was I ever perfect? NO. I was part to blame for many things that have happened over the past few years. To everyone that knows what happened to me in 2005, you may realize how things were harder for me. If you dont know, well, lets just say I had a car wreck that would end up changing my life forever. I was so stubborn afterwards and wanted to go back to school more than anything (I was suppose to transfer to UA only months after my wreck.) I didnt allow time for myself to heal. I didnt realize that I wasnt in the right frame of mind to handle any type of high pressure or anxiety. Things were rough to say the least. I would always say that I was fine, but that was far from the truth. I am very grateful for the people that knew what I was going through and stuck with me throughout it all. You will never know how truely grateful I am.
Looking back now to my college days, I dont recognize that person. That wasnt me. I made choices that I knew were not the right ones. I tried to change who I was to fit into the crowd. Actually, in junior high I had the absolute best friends. I was in the band and really loved it. It was something I was actually really good at! I won many awards and metals and was #1 in the county for a couple years. I also loved cheerleading, and dancing was my passion. I had to make a choice of which activity to persue, b/c they had conflicting schedules. I chose cheerleading. If I could go back in time that would be one of the first things I would change. In high school I was a very quite and shy person. I wasnt the hyper cheerleader that was the life of the party. People would take my quiteness as being stuck up and rude. I knew that wasnt true, and I didnt want people to think of me that way. I started hanging out with different people and started going out more, especially the end of my senior year. I just forgot who I was. That lasted 5 years. You know what? There is no way I am going to let 5 years out of 24 define me as a person. So, if you want to call me to go to a wild drunken party, dont (well, unless your need a DD.) lol...Thats a part of my life I will not go back to. Will I judge you for doing it? Absolutely, not! I dont care if you are gay, straight, crazy, white, black, or even a liberal (lol.) Only God can judge. Sure, I love a good debate and love to argue, but there is a huge difference in stating your personal opinion and hating and judging someone for expressing theirs. Everyone should remember that. HAVING YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, PERSONAL VALUES, and OPINIONS doesn't mean that you are speing HATE. (sorry, had to get that off my chest as well. lol)
How am I now? Well, Im not going to say things are perfect. I am still dealing with life and I still find it hard to forgive myself for many things. All that matters is that I put my life in God's hands and I will never let go. All I need is His forgiveness, and He knows my heart. God is great, kind, and without judgement. He loves me no matter what I had to go through to finally realize it. With God by my side nothing is impossible. I can not stress enough how powerful prayer is. My story is my gift to you to show you that things really do happen for a reason, even the bad. It was going through all my troubles that led me to where I am now, and let me tell you, it truely is brighter on the other side. God Bless. :o)
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