Letting go...and letting GOD.

It has been a while since my last post, and today I felt compelled to share with everyone a little something. If you have read any of my last posts it is no surprise that I have had a journey finding my way. I have dealt with many demons in the past and I still fight them daily. That is something we all fight, whether it is anxiety and stress from work, temptations from friends, or the devil putting many doubts in your head telling you that your life is just not good enough.

For years I have dreamed about achieving bigger and better things. I always wanted to be a successful lawyer and live in LA or New York. I always dreamed about the day I would achieve "greatness." I would have never guessed that dream would be taken away from me so fast. After my wreck it was hard enough getting through my Bachelors course work. The smallest things that were always so easy for me ended up being a challenge. I chose marketing as my major solely b/c I had to pick something, anything that would give me a bachelor’s degree so I could go to law school. I thought marketing would be fun, and my best friend was going to major in marketing, so I thought I would do the same. I look back now and try and think about what major I would have chosen if I knew that my law school dream would be taken away.

For years I have just been depressed at the what ifs. I would always feel like my dreams would never be fulfilled b/c it was taken away from me so early in life. I graduated college in 2007. I interviewed with a great company prior to graduation. The interview went well and I was asked to come in for a 2nd interview. During this, I was going through a LOT of emotional issues. Since my wreck, I never actually had time off to fully get better. It was a nonstop process that started with therapy and them me moving to Tuscaloosa to finish school. I didn’t realize the effect it all had on me. My mom convinced me to take a little time off before I stepped into the real world. So, I canceled my interview and moved back home for the summer. The end of the summer I started interviewing and got a job with a marketing firm in Atlanta. Within just a week I had to uproot my life. My first week on the job was fun and challenging. I was staying with a friend until my apartment was ready and I really enjoyed it...that is, until I am standing in Wal-Mart buying groceries and my mom calls me crying her eyes out begging me to move back home. She was convinced something terrible would happen to me. My mom had never cried like that to me. So, yep, I did as she said and moved back home. I was back maybe a month and I convinced my mom to "let" me move back to Tuscaloosa and find a job there. For some reason she felt better about that idea. I moved back to Tuscaloosa and started interviewing for jobs. I ended up getting a job with a photography company. It paid well enough and the opportunities for advancement were endless. I was set to spend a week in North Carolina to train at their headquarters. The week before I was supposed to go, I went home to see my niece, Mckenzi. She had leukemia and it was getting worse. In my heart I felt that I couldn’t leave my family during such a bad time. I declined the job offer and stayed home the week I was suppose to start training. I didn’t know it at the time, but if I would have decided to go to NC, I would have never seen my niece before she died. Afterwards, things in our family were not good. We all had to deal with losing a sweet angel. I told my dad that I wanted to move back home and asked him if I could work for him. That was October of 2007. It has been a little over 2 years and the grieving has passed, even though McKenzi stays in out thoughts and our hearts. I am still working for my dad. I pretty much have spent 3 years of my life in a state of depression. I worked so very hard to get my degree and I haven’t used it. I keep thinking that there is something out there for me, something that will finally make me happy and successful. I have had so many aspirations and I have yet to concur any of them.

I would pray for the Lord to help me get a great job in a city, and help me finally be happy. I would continue to ask for the things that I thought would finally bring me peace and happiness. I prayed every night for God to please help me fulfill my dreams. Nothing ever happened! I was still depressed and felt like my life was meaningless. Well, the past few months my relationship with God has grown so much. It is like I am a new person and it feels so wonderful. All of a sudden it hit me...I need to stop asking God for things I think I need and have FAITH that he will guide me to the things I really need. It is all about having faith. You can pray and love God and believe in him, but you have not truly let God in your heart until you give him 100% faith. When you do, you will find such a great peace. Sure, we may have moments where we start to wonder why our life isn’t where we think it should be. That is natural. It is when we realize that out life is what God makes of it, that we can truly be happy and at peace. I am excited at what God has planned for me. I just finally had to let go, and let God.