My First Entry!

I have had this blog it seems forever. I just never got around to actually writing anything. I use to wonder why anyone would want a public diary for everyone to read. I have recently found that writing your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic. Especially, for someone like me that finds it hard to talk to people about things and confront issues head on. I am the type to always hold things in until it eats away at me. There have been so many times that if I would have just confronted something it would have ended up a lot better. I recently found out that I have anxiety disorder and have had it my whole life. I didnt even know it! I have always been sooo afraid to speak my mind or say what I really feel during any type of heated issue. I would just bury it.

Well, now I have learned to not take life so seriously all the time and be able to just be, Me. Who am I? Well, I am a normal person that had a lot of trials throughout life. I made many, MANY mistakes that I wish I could just erase. Of course, you cant erase things. Life is all about trial and error. It molds you into the person you were always meant to be, and always knew you really were. I am just happy that I got everything out of my system at only 24. Sure, there are many people that love to judge and think they know who I am. Well, I can say that 95% of what people think are true about me arent at all. When you are from a small town people love to gossip. People put people down to somehow make themselves look better. Those are the people I add to my prayers every night, and yes, I can honestly say there is not a night that goes by that I dont pray before I go to sleep. It is those prayers that saved me.

Saved me from what? Well, lets just say I was on a path of destruction. Losing my niece to cancer a couple years ago sure didnt help. The fact that not one of my "friends" took the time to even come to the funeral or visitation didnt help. There were a couple people that sent me condolences through a message on facebook. I want to thank those people so much. If you are reading this you know who you are. Not having anyone beside me to help me go through such a terrible thing really threw me for a loop. Sure, I had my family, but they were going through the same thing I was. So, they couldnt really help talk me through things. One thing that really stung was that I had a friend that lost another friend a few years back. I was there for her at the funeral and literally let her cry on my shoulder. I didnt even get an "I'm sorry" message from her. So, all of that was just the tip of the iceburge. I began to think that maybe I just wasnt worth it. I began to just not care about myself, much less have any self-respect. I was to the point that I just didnt care anymore. I was sick of caring what people thought. I was sick of crying over friends that you thought always had your back, but really didnt. It was the people that I put most of my trust in that let me down the hardest. If you truely love your friend, nothing can come between your friendship, b/c you can and WILL always work though differences. Much to my dismay, I was almost without that.

Am I perfect? Was I ever perfect? NO. I was part to blame for many things that have happened over the past few years. To everyone that knows what happened to me in 2005, you may realize how things were harder for me. If you dont know, well, lets just say I had a car wreck that would end up changing my life forever. I was so stubborn afterwards and wanted to go back to school more than anything (I was suppose to transfer to UA only months after my wreck.) I didnt allow time for myself to heal. I didnt realize that I wasnt in the right frame of mind to handle any type of high pressure or anxiety. Things were rough to say the least. I would always say that I was fine, but that was far from the truth. I am very grateful for the people that knew what I was going through and stuck with me throughout it all. You will never know how truely grateful I am.

Looking back now to my college days, I dont recognize that person. That wasnt me. I made choices that I knew were not the right ones. I tried to change who I was to fit into the crowd. Actually, in junior high I had the absolute best friends. I was in the band and really loved it. It was something I was actually really good at! I won many awards and metals and was #1 in the county for a couple years. I also loved cheerleading, and dancing was my passion. I had to make a choice of which activity to persue, b/c they had conflicting schedules. I chose cheerleading. If I could go back in time that would be one of the first things I would change. In high school I was a very quite and shy person. I wasnt the hyper cheerleader that was the life of the party. People would take my quiteness as being stuck up and rude. I knew that wasnt true, and I didnt want people to think of me that way. I started hanging out with different people and started going out more, especially the end of my senior year. I just forgot who I was. That lasted 5 years. You know what? There is no way I am going to let 5 years out of 24 define me as a person. So, if you want to call me to go to a wild drunken party, dont (well, unless your need a DD.) lol...Thats a part of my life I will not go back to. Will I judge you for doing it? Absolutely, not! I dont care if you are gay, straight, crazy, white, black, or even a liberal (lol.) Only God can judge. Sure, I love a good debate and love to argue, but there is a huge difference in stating your personal opinion and hating and judging someone for expressing theirs. Everyone should remember that. HAVING YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, PERSONAL VALUES, and OPINIONS doesn't mean that you are speing HATE. (sorry, had to get that off my chest as well. lol)

How am I now? Well, Im not going to say things are perfect. I am still dealing with life and I still find it hard to forgive myself for many things. All that matters is that I put my life in God's hands and I will never let go. All I need is His forgiveness, and He knows my heart. God is great, kind, and without judgement. He loves me no matter what I had to go through to finally realize it. With God by my side nothing is impossible. I can not stress enough how powerful prayer is. My story is my gift to you to show you that things really do happen for a reason, even the bad. It was going through all my troubles that led me to where I am now, and let me tell you, it truely is brighter on the other side. God Bless. :o)